Communicating with Mom

Welcome to Heal Talk Tuesdays with Liza, where
transformation begins as we evoke, embrace, and evolve.
Greetings Greetings Greetings Greetings and welcome to Hill
Talk Tuesday. It’s so good to be here with you, isn’t it?
I hope you are doing absolutely wonderful, healthy, and,
well, I can’t say right, but I hope you’re doing well.
Today we’re going to be talking about something that touches
everyone. It touches many of us in many different ways.
But before we start talking about today’s subject, which is what? Mother’s Day is
coming. Our communication, our relationship with our mothers, and how we connect.
But, first and foremost, I want to say today is a
national, nurses’ day. So kudos, and I take my hat off
to some of my friends who are nurses, those who are
on the front lines and caring for others and nursing.
So thank you for all that you do as a nurse.
Let me begin with a story, because sometimes it’s in the
stories that others recognize a part of themselves, and
if I share this story, you might see a glimpse of you, or
maybe someone that you know, that can connect with this.
Long ago, I had a client of mine, we can call her Maggie, let’s call her
Maggie. She came to me feeling frustrated and heartbroken. She was in
her late thirties, and a successful professional career woman, and she
came to me because of her communication and relationship with her mom.
And she was having a lot of anxiety, tension, every time she
talked to her mom, this misunderstanding and hurt feelings.
So she would say, I don’t understand why can’t she just listen without judging me?
Mom’s always want to make the best for us, right? And so
every, she would say that every time I open up and talk to her,
and no matter what happens, she changes the subjects and tells
me what I should be doing instead of just listening to me.
So this tug of war, right? And that reminded me of when many years
ago when my dad was around, and being an only child, I would go to
my parents’ house, and they probably had some kind of a talk or a
got to an argument, and I felt like I was the net between a point.
And it was like this, right? And the paddle would
go this way, and the paddle would go that way,
and I was the net. And I don’t know if you can
relate to this or not. Please let me know if you can.
I felt like being the net that I had to
either protect this one and/or take sites with
the other one. And no matter which side you take, guess what? You’re on the wrong side.
Because once I feel like, why are you taking the other side? So I can talk a
lot about me growing up, and my relationship
with my mom. But I wanted to share
this story about Maggie, because when she came to me and she talked about her
frustrations, about mom making sure that she’s not going to be a good kid.
Making sure that she’s correcting her, but she felt
judged. It’s because underneath all of this, it’s
a frustration and yet something very tender. A deep
yearning to feel seen and to be heard by our mom.
And mom mothers mean the world to us. To feel loved, not in words, but in presence.
So I’ve talked a lot about this book called Five Love Languages. And I think
it is absolutely wonderful because when I have couples come here, I tell them
to get this book. If there are people who are dating and have an intention
of getting married, I make sure that they read this book called the Five Life
Love Languages. Because it’s not only for relationships
of like a partnering and love relationship, but I think
it is also so important for us to know who we are and
how we like to be loved, what we need to feel as loved.
And so here’s my question to you. Do you
know yourself? How you like to be loved? What
is your love language? Because there are
many forms. One is listening and to be heard.
If just do me space, let me share whatever it
is that I want and just hold space with for
me without correcting me without judging me,
just be with me. Just sit there, be present.
And I think that was Maggie’s language. But
every time Maggie would communicate with her mom,
her mom would correct or try to fix or give her
directions and that’s not what Maggie wanted.
So together, another love language is verbal,
verbal validation. Another one is that if
you give gifts, they love to receive gifts. So gift giving is very important for them.
Another one can be titles, titles, validation, in elevation
and things like that. Money is also a part of the gift. So
another one is spend time with me and let’s go experience things
and time is very important. Another one is acts of service.
So understanding your love language is so important.
By working with Maggie, what we came to do is
uncover together that something many of us face.
We enter into conversations with old expectations.
So, what do I mean with old expectations? Old
wounds and sometimes even the roles of a mother
and daughter, mother and son, they change
and the old wounds that we carry as children.
Or we carry as teenagers and childhood, those
wounds stay with us. I don’t know what your
relationship was with mom. If mom is still around,
are you caring for her? Are you taking care of her?
So understanding this relationship because sometimes
mom can at my age, or moms are already in their
80s, late 80s. So when we talk about it is, I want
my mom to be the same or the bright, the gregarious.
Or moms who were always shy and timid and soft-spoken. And you know, so who
we see as our mom as a little girl or as a little boy. And who they are today.
And you may still hang on to either the old
story, the history of that, or the wounds that you
carried since then. And expect that your relationship
is still the same. And that cannot happen.
So without realizing we’re often just not communicating
as adults, but as that little child. Does that make sense?
Okay, so here’s the thing. When we communicate
from the old roles, we get stuck in the old
parents. That’s it. We’re stuck as the 11 year
old, the 14 year old, the teenage, and we work.
And that’s one of the things that I shed a light and
I said, when we were doing hypnosis and during the
session, I said, just at this very moment. How old
are you? And she went straight into her teenage years.
So understanding that no matter what happened at
the teenage years, that’s not who you were today.
She is not you. You are more of an adult. You have a more understanding,
but the feelings, the hurt, the resentment, the anger, whatever it was.
Mom could not defend you. Mom did not understand you. Mom
did not protect you. Mom was judging you. Mom was competing
with you. You see how many of those ramifications are
there. And as a little girl or boy, you hold on to those.
So together for Maggie, we worked through all
this and literally breaking through. And we did
a little bit of a breathwork with his hypnosis
and Maggie came to this aha moment. That’s it.
So part of healing, part of the work that I do, you know, the three, the, the,
the worry, three in method is the evoke embrace evolve. So once we evoke it.
And she got to the aha moment. Once I start working with you and you
get to the aha moment, that’s the beginning of the healing process.
Because once the light bulb goes on, you go, ah, okay, now I get it. I am
acting as a 14 year old or 15 year old. And that is not who I am today.
So because you, we can’t change our moms. We have to change
ourselves. And that’s what Maggie had to do. She had, she
could change the way she showed up in her conversations
with mom. She could change the dialogue speaking with mom.
And she began to practice three things. And I’m going
to read this pause and read before speaking. And
instead of reacting, why not just pause for a moment.
Take a deep breath and speak from the adult self.
One adult to another instead of that hurt, let
old girl. Because mom is not seeing it because mom
is literally mom can be reacting to the little
girl and thinking you’re still that little girl.
But the moment you shift and speak like an adult, then the other part, the
communication stops instead of judging you or correcting you. It’s like, way a minute.
So you can also address mom and say, mom, today I just want you to
listen. And I’m not looking for advice, but can you just hear me out.
That way she knows. And she can hold off and just
be present for you. Another one is when things
were becoming tense for Maggie, she learned to
gently steer the conversation saying, I do love you.
And I need we need to pause and talk this over. Again, I don’t know where you come
from. But some families are very affectionate
hands on touchy feely kissy, you know.
And then there’s others we know our parents love us, but
we’re not touchy feet be kissy. And you may yearn another
family that is touchy feely kissy. Or you might say, that’s
different. That’s not who I am. And believe it or not.
How we grow up and what we see in our household becomes
our own platform. And we either stay in the same
realm or we choose to be different. And to be different
in our family to be different with our children.
So I would love to hear from you as to how is your
household. And did you change it for your family
with your children or did you stay the same? That’s
because that’s how you were brought up. Okay.
So over time, Maggie noticed that something incredible is
happening and as she shifted herself, her mom softened to. So they
became in a conversation not a perfect conversation, but better
communication. And that helped what it helped Maggie heal.
You see, because when we start walking on eggshells, because mom
is always judging or trying to fix something and you feel I’m
not good enough or I don’t look good enough. My body is not good
enough. My hair is not good enough. What I do is not good enough.
Not because mom says you are not good, but she wants you to be better,
right? But the kid does not hear that. And that’s where the healing comes.
That form of communication when she shifted the communication with her
mom, her healing started for her to realize that she is good enough.
And once what it used to end with tears, now it often ends with a small smile
and thank you and what else is happening and what else can we do together?
Now it’s like looking forward to the communication.
So I know I’m saying this and I know it’s resonating.
Maybe someone you know is having a difficulty and
they shared it with you. So let me ask you this.
How do you currently communicate with your mom and if mom is present
or how do you communicate with your child or with your siblings?
Even siblings, brother and sister, sister, sister, sister
growing up in our home or a household that the communication
was not open or maybe it was too open and anything goes
and it’s so easy to talk about just about anything.
And if your mom is not here, then bless her heart,
bless her soul. And those of you who still have mom,
I hope you find a better way of communicating and if
your relationship is absolutely amazing then lovely.
So my second question that I would love to hear from you is are
there old patterns or unspoken expectations at play? Are there
expectations from your mom or maybe even your sibling that you
have not communicated, that you have not shared or opened up?
It’s like communication is so much into surface
but nothing serious because you don’t want to
bring up or hash the things that are from long
time ago and that hurt stays on and on and on.
It’s like you keep putting more lid on it. And guess what? Whatever
is underneath it, underneath anger, resentment is what hurt.
Unspoken, unresolved hurt. And it’s the hurt, as I said, of the little inner self.
And I love talking about inner self instead of inner child because
the inner self can be at age 15, not a little girl or little boy.
So just like Maggie, when she started communicating with her
mom better, her healing started and her communication with her
younger sibling became better and believe it or not, I know
that weeks later that she had a communication with her sibling.
And they both discussed something that they both had been keeping a secret.
And once that came out, it was like aha moment. They
didn’t even realize that they were both experiencing
such deep rooted hurt that they had not even
shared it with their mom because it was a secret.
And she kept it a secret and she kept it a secret and this
secret was why her sister was in therapy for over five years.
And she came for hypnotherapy and she had
already done two years of therapy but had never
resolved the issue, something that it was so secretive that was really affecting her.
Amazing that once we peel away the surface, the skin.
And because the skin, you know, we scrub it. Even when you
go and even doctors and nurses, when they want to go to
surgery, even though when they wear gloves, they literally
have to scrub their hands, their fingers underneath the skin.
Underneath the nails and then put the glove on.
And we freak out that sometimes we have to scrub
our own skin because there is a lot of dead skin.
I hope this makes sense to you. So remember, communication is less
about the words that we say and more about the energy that we bring
when we communicate.
So here’s how I love to practice.
I would love to give you something for you to practice at home on your own.
I’m going to write, I wrote this down.
Next time when you speak to your loved one, mom, siblings or anyone, pause first.
Take a moment. Take a deep breath and ask
yourself, what do I need from this conversation?
Besides just the norm, hello, how are you and the surface communication?
Am I willing to listen with love even when it’s a hard conversation?
And this is also for moms with your children. Are you
ready just to listen without fixing without judging?
How can you respond or how can I respond rather than react?
Because responding means you are responding to the
question or to the subject matter instead of reacting,
the way you react because the other person is not there
for you to react, but to respond to what they need.
Because those are small little shifts, small little shifts in communication.
And those shifts, shifts have a rippling effect just like
that stone that we cast in the water and you see the ripple.
And that effect goes round it about, round it about, round it about, right?
You drop a small little speck in the water and you go, it’s amazing.
How one small little change can make a huge impact in you, in you, because you are the
one that needs to heal and then heal the
communication and then heal the relationship.
Because everything starts with you.
Because healing the way you communicate can heal generational tension and secrets.
So, I hope today’s story and today’s segment was beneficial to you,
especially now that I know on Sunday, this coming Sunday is Mother’s Day.
And God bless all the moms that are with you.
Those of you who are apart from, perhaps you want to connect or send a note.
Yes, not all moms are perfect and not all moms are loving. I know.
I know that.
Because when we think about it, they all
have their own healing that needs to be done.
And if you’re a mom, I know you’re not perfect either.
Because I don’t believe there is a perfect person.
They may seem perfect to us as little young ones.
And when we grow up, we realize they too have their own issues, their own pain, and
their own hurt and their own behaviors and habits that you got to recognize today.
So, and for those who are above, may they
always, unless you watch over you from above.
So, come this Sunday, light a candle for you, for them.
Guess what? I have a big huge surprise.
Because as you know, I am on the radio.
Now, I am on a talk radio, which I am so excited.
It was a little girl’s dream become reality.
And so, I am on RealTalk870.com.com.
I am on 870 station Sunday nights at 10 P.M.
And this Sunday, God willing, I have asked my mom to be my guest
to have a candid conversation because real talk with Liza is what?
It’s all about candid conversations.
So stay tuned, tune in 870 A.M. You can watch me on Facebook
because we’re going to streamline it live on Facebook.
And it’s going to be candid.
Do I know what we’re going to be talking about? Definitely not.
And I’m sure my mom will be very candid.
So, she’s an amazing woman, but we too had our
difficulties, communication and everything.
Boy, we have our communication and things.
We’re going to be talking about all of that.
So, I am blessed to have my mom still with me, truly am blessed.
And in my life, I’ve had many moms or mom-alikes.
And one of them, I want to say bless her soul, her name was Maura.
And of course, my grandmother was the biggest matriarch in our family.
And they are both watching over me right here right now.
So, stay tuned, tune in Sunday night, 10 P.M.
And for all of you, if you’re struggling with family dynamics or want to break
free from old communications, old patterns, old pain, know that you are not alone.
I’m offering 15 minute consultation. It’s free of charge.
You can always contact me right here.
You can message me right here on Facebook, DM
me, or contact my office, or call 818-221-2797.
So, I hope today’s message was beneficial to you.
And coming, I’m always available to have a consultation
with you for us to explore how you can feel better.
And feel better and heal within.
You know why?
Because you too matter.
Until next week, God bless you and may the universal light surround you always.
Bye bye.
And if you like this, share it, subscribe, and go to YouTube.
And you’ll see the rest of all my podcasts.
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